The Trouble with Service

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WHAT SERVICE SECTOR?


Since we came pretty close to designating the art of making a whopper a manufacturing job last year, we can pretty much conclude that sector of the economy has got as much life left in it as Ted Kennedy’s liver. It is, in the parlance of economists, the technology and service sectors of our economy that will lead in the bringing about the new era of global prosperity. Great- the Tech market is about as stable as the Gaza strip, and what exactly is meant by service. Well, I sincerely hope no ones talking about customer service. I hope we’re talking about some sort of acronym or metaphor. Service is a very general term and could mean anything from time spent in the military of ones country or an act performed on the President of ones country by a plump woman who sells handbags on the internet. Customer service, the topic we’re dealing with today-because technology requires research and further examination of Bill Clinton’s taste in women requires lawyers-is in sharp decline. In a Chicago Sun Times article entitled “Customer Service, sorry not my job,” Ted Pincus says “To some of us consumers rudeness and curtness have become accepted norms of behavior and we’re almost immunized to irritants,” -certain irritants. Pincus recalls the story of a friend who asked for help in a drug store and the clerk responded by saying “Sorry but this is a self service store.” What happened to the rules of the marketplace? Today we’ll conclude that customer service inexplicably sucks, try to understand why, and see what, if anything can be done about this.
In today’s market, if you’re lucky you’ll be ignored or insulted. If your luck runs out you’ll be betrayed, or robbed. So do your duty and consume. What happened to the customer always being right? From the morons who run the local burger joint to the tycoons of Enron. Everyone’s either inept or a snake or just really rude and ugly. One of the most interesting definitions of customer service can be found on Newsday’s editorial page, May 5, 2004, described by Edward Champion: “Customer service. The very term implies a soft-spoken, clean-cut Babbitt man from the Eisenhower era, a teetotaler who votes Republican but never discusses politics, a necktie who calls you "sir" or "ma'am" and exudes an ineluctable folksy charisma, a guy who spends his Thursday evenings at the bingo parlor and who will pomade his hair well into his autumn years. A man prepared to listen to the customer's needs, who might have attended a Dale Carnegie course, maybe donning a daring fashion accouterment like a purple polka-dot bowtie. Chances are his name is Harold or Orville.” A dated, though comforting image, hard to square with some of the characters I’m sure you’ve encountered in the jungle. Champion concludes, in obvious agreement with me, that the fabled idea that the customer is always right went the way of the polka dot bow tie.” He says “But after spending a half hour dealing with outsourced customer service from a faraway nation the other day, I'm convinced that today's definition of customer service involves nothing less than bad dialogue and circle jerks.” I don’t know what the hell he was trying to buy. In any event, my beef isn’t so much the outsourcing. Globalizations important or something and those Indian chicks with the British accents are hot. Pat Buchanan, get over it. My problem is that the unspoken code that used to govern customer relations has been replaced by the happenstance corroded values people apply to their own lives. On Customer Relationship Management Dot com, a survey in an article written by Joshua Weinberger in June 14, 2004 issue, finds 63% of consumers feel customer service has gotten no better over the past five to ten years.
A plethora of studies show a good amount of the fury, frustration, and blind maniacal rage garnered towards consumer relations begins with a phone call. Everyone has horror stories about voicemail systems that loop with the same stupid message “Your call is important to us, please continue to hold” or “all our customer care representatives-meaning anyone who graduated with a philosophy degree- are busy helping other customers.” All those representatives are busy helping customers? No one’s having a cigarette? Lunch? A little office quickie, perhaps? If my call was so important to you, you wouldn’t put me in the position of having to listen to a Michael Bolton song on repeat. Ironically when someone does answer the phone, hold doesn’t seem so bad. If you’ve ever called your local Fridays-or generic Friday’s imitator: basically any restaurant with cheap crap on the walls, and a staff that wears pins and takes pills. We’ve all had that overly friendly waiter or waitress who’s just a little too happy for someone who spent all day singing Happy Birthday to a bunch of stoned teenagers who just lied to get the free sundae. I’m not knocking the restaurant industry for obvious reasons, and certainly not planning to start with the one that put whiskey in barbeque sauce, cause that’s up there with the wheel; but the girls-and it’s mostly girls-who pick up the phone at these joints start shouting promotions at you for at least a half a minute before they breathe. “Hi, thank you for calling the Huntington Fridays, where in here it’s always Friday, and your welcome to try any of our new appetizers, half price, with the purchase of an entrée and a frozen drink-like our new Mega Malibu Mudslide or Poolside Peach Passion. By any two entrees-full price-and get a dollar off desert, By any three entrees full price- and get a dollar added to desert-If you’re Christie Alley: your are legally prohibited from eating desert ever again. This is Alexis, how may I help you?”
It reminds me of the long voice trail off at the end of any drug ads-which is every other ad on TV- “may cause nausea, vomiting, fever, hair loss, and SARS.” But “Ask your doctor about Sycho-symaticcodone”- the only medication proven to aid in patients trying to rationalize taking medication for no reason whatsoever. I’m with Bill Maher, who on his HBO Real Time Comedy special said “You shouldn’t be asking your doctor for all different kinds of medicine, it’s not a deli.” The urge to buy and sell; the thrill of a pulsating and open market; the dream of getting something for nothing, are all tenets of our universal religion: capitalism. These instincts, as natural as the complications that accompany them, are part of the American experience-like it or not; but why have they become a tireless and hazardous chore. Now that we’ve concluded that customer service
Perhaps one of the reasons that customer relations have turned into a roman coliseum is that, customer service, as a profession is. Well is it a profession? A professional is someone accomplished in a certain field, but customer relations are an unavoidable aspect of every business enterprise to a different degree. Depending on who you talk to, the service industry includes: real estate agents, bankers, brokers, waiters, insurance salesman, health professionals, firefighters and police. To some the concept of customer service is reserved for the obligatory department bearing that name in every large company. This is the department that may employ the people whom you go to for the ceremonial returning of a bad wedding gift at Macy's, or they may handle your application for car insurance at Geico. This is the department tasked with handling you and the problem that they'll assure you only exists in your head. They will handle your complaints by thoroughly and efficiently ignoring them. Geico is partially owned by the mammoth Berkshire Hathaway Inc, the brainchild of the world’s second riches man: Warren Buffet. However the customer service center seems to be missing the go get em attitude that built Berkshire Hathaway. They do have an established reputation and a dancing lizard on T.V. every five minutes. You’re not going beat these people. You’re going hold to save that 15%. In the big Department stores like Bed, Bath and Beyond, Ikea, or Home Depot returning merchandise can be a test on ones collective will and sanity. Another thing, if I return something under $25 dollars, is it really necessary we go through the formality of store credit. If I wanted another sweater from this store I'd buy it myself. I shouldn't be forced to. I might want to use that money for health insurance, cocaine, or a college education.
The brainless drones executing these orders repeatedly and with less personality than your average navigation system make you long for the days of mom and pop stores when people knew you by name and your order before you said it. There is no major for customer service or consumer relations. But there are majors that can guarantee you a job in this field. Now at the risk of offending anyone and everyone: if you’ve majored in a language that hasn’t been spoken and a hundred years: you’re going to work in retail. If you’ve majored in Plato’s day dreams, or Tea leaves, or Ancient myths involving frogs, welcome to telecommunications. I’m not trying to shatter anyone’s dreams here, but marketability is just as important as education, and one of the problems with customer service today is that it is filled with people who’d rather be doing other things: like for example not helping you.